


Uncle Vernon Takes A Day Off

by Seishin_Veritas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:05:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27290158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seishin_Veritas/pseuds/Seishin_Veritas
Summary: Uncle Vernon meets Voldemort at The Battle of Hogwarts.Crackfic
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Uncle Vernon Takes A Day Off

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy!

Harry lay still against the ground trying not to make any movement.

He had just died (did he die..?) and now he’s not dead so that kinda happened.

“HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!” Voldemort screamed into the sky as all his supporters cheered.

Harry winced at the sound.

He just wanted to drink butterbeer

How did he get involved in a war.

Wait am I still the boy who lived if I died?

But then something unexpected happened. A fat man who was middle aged and resembled a pig burst into the forest clearing.

“WHERE IS HARRY?!” The man yelled

Voldemort and his followers glared at the new arrival.

 _Oh my god_ Harry thought to himself 

“Who are you..?” Voldemort asked in his snake like voice as his nostrils flared.

”My name is Vernon Dursley. Who would you be?” Vernon asked.

All of Voldemort’s followers gasped.

How could someone not know who their lord is?! They all thought to themselves.

Voldemort however, was livid. Was this man a muggle? How on earth could he not know who he is!

Well he must inform him of who he is.

”I...am The Dark Lord” Voledemort said in a whisper. 

Vernon scoffed. “Dark Lord eh? To me that just sounds like another way of saying that you don’t have a REAL JOB!”

The forest clearing went silent.

Voldemort was livid.

Harry, from where he was on the floor started laughing.

”O-Oh my god that was bloody brilliant Uncle Vernon!” The teenager laughed.

All heads whipped toward where Harry was.

He was alive?!

How?!

Vernon, however just turned bright red. 

“Harry Potter! What do you think you’re doing here hanging out with these creeps.” The man yelled.

Harry was right about to answer, but then he got an amazing idea. 

“Oh Uncle Vernon I am so sorry! These are the people who gave me my magic in the first place. I promise I didn’t want the magic but they forced it on me and turned me into a freak!” Harry told his uncle before crying.

Vernon turned purple.

”Oh...is that so...” The man said in a dark voice.

“Lord Walidmort...you turned my newphew into a freak” 

Voldemort was getting sick of this conversation. 

“I have had enough of this!” The man screamed.

”AVADA-“ 

Vernon however was too fast. 

Running up to the man as fast as his stubby and fat legs would take him, he smacked the wand out of his hand and stomped on it with his boots.

The wand was broken.

...

Vernon then grabbed Voldemort by his ear and put him over his knee.

_SMACK_

He then began to spank Voldemort. 

“YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR ACTIONS YOU HOOLOGIN!” Harry’s uncle yelled.

Voldemort was about to object when Vernon just spanked him more.

Everyone just stared flabbergasted.

Was a muggle defeating their Dark Lord?!

Harry on the other hand, was howling with laughter.

”TAKE AWAY THE FREAKNESS YOU PUT INTO MY NEPHEW!” Vernon screamed at the older man.

Voldemort whimpered before whispering “y-yes I have taken it away...”

Vernon then stopped his onslaught and stood up.

He then walked towards Harry, the Death Eaters parting as he walked through. 

“Harry...do some of that freakyness with your stick.” His uncle told him.

Harry, thinking fast made up a fake spell. 

“Windagis Patroniousio!” The teenager said pointing his wand at the sky. 

Nothing happened.

Faking his happyness, Harry told Uncle Vernon “Thank you Uncle Vernon! You have cured me of my freakness!” 

Uncle Vernon nodded in satisfaction.

”I am happy to hear that Harry.”

Turning towards the other magic users, Vernon yelled at them to leave and find proper employment, so his taxes didn’t have to pay for their laziness.

They all ran away as fast as they could, away from the man who defeated the Dark Lord.

Voldemorts broken wand still lay on the ground as they had forgotten it.

Vernon, the law following citizen that he is walked over to where the wand lay. He would not leave any trash in this beautiful forest. He thought to himself.

Suddenly, when the man picked up the wand it glowed a bright gold and fixed itself. Then admitted a stream of glowing charcoal powder into the sky. 

The wand had chosen it’s new owner as it’s previous owner was defeated in a duel.

...

Vernon screamed.

—————————————————————

_The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches..._

_born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies..._

_and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not..._

_and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives..._

_the one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies._

No one had ever figured out that Vernon Dursley would be the one who’s power of a bad temper would be the power to vanquish the Dark Lord. They also did not know that the last line of the prophecy talked about a completely different person, after all Vernon Dursley was born in September. Which was after the 7th month had died.

No one had expected Vernon Dursley to become the next Dark Lord either.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Leave comments for any suggestions you might have. 
> 
> ~Seishin_Vertias~


End file.
